Dear Ethel,
You remember when we sat on the rooftop writing a list of things we would do when we get old……very very old? You remember? You remember when you used to tease me and how you made fun of my childhood memories? Of course you remember when we used to listen to Lana Del Rey’s Lust For life singing along to it softly like the first love melody we composed? You remember when you used to tell me whenever I felt down, ‘it is better to smile than to frown’ but Ethel, for the past two months, I have come to the realisation that it is better to burn than to live.
You remember when I would suddenly get so quiet when we were walking down the streets making love with the corner of our eyes? You remember I would suddenly become sad and wear a forced smile? You remember you’d always ask what is wrong with me and I would reply ‘Nothing’. I lied. Everything was wrong.
Everything was wrong. I was dying inside. I lost whatever it felt to be happy. I was a walking empty tin. I couldn’t take it anymore, the pressure on me to keep up with promises, my honesty and my dream of not becoming a tragic role model to an unfortunate soul. What you didn’t know was that someone’s destiny laid in my hands and I crashed it. I tried whatever I could to save her destiny from crashing and to prevent her from writing my name on her list of bad men in this universe. I tried to move the Heavens, I tried to quench the fire in hell but I failed. Now this girl lives her life cursing me day and night. I hope she may one day see that I am no bad person but in this life when your destiny is cursed, nothing you do is ever enough.
I love you, I love you, I love you but I just can’t live. I can’t live waking up at midnight asking God for a miracle which never comes. I gave God an offer to help me with just one miracle and I will give our child to him like how in the Bible Samuel’s mother gave up her son to God to serve in the temple. Day came, the night went, the moon turned from a crescent to a full moon and even the sun became tired of shining yet nothing changed. I know I should have told you but I couldn’t, I didn’t, I knew I could do it on my own. Now I have failed so I am writing this suicide note hoping that I’d save my life from perpetual having to remember my failure. I know you will miss me, so will I.
Mark.
You remember when we sat on the rooftop writing a list of things we would do when we get old……very very old? You remember? You remember when you used to tease me and how you made fun of my childhood memories? Of course you remember when we used to listen to Lana Del Rey’s Lust For life singing along to it softly like the first love melody we composed? You remember when you used to tell me whenever I felt down, ‘it is better to smile than to frown’ but Ethel, for the past two months, I have come to the realisation that it is better to burn than to live.
You remember when I would suddenly get so quiet when we were walking down the streets making love with the corner of our eyes? You remember I would suddenly become sad and wear a forced smile? You remember you’d always ask what is wrong with me and I would reply ‘Nothing’. I lied. Everything was wrong.
Everything was wrong. I was dying inside. I lost whatever it felt to be happy. I was a walking empty tin. I couldn’t take it anymore, the pressure on me to keep up with promises, my honesty and my dream of not becoming a tragic role model to an unfortunate soul. What you didn’t know was that someone’s destiny laid in my hands and I crashed it. I tried whatever I could to save her destiny from crashing and to prevent her from writing my name on her list of bad men in this universe. I tried to move the Heavens, I tried to quench the fire in hell but I failed. Now this girl lives her life cursing me day and night. I hope she may one day see that I am no bad person but in this life when your destiny is cursed, nothing you do is ever enough.
I love you, I love you, I love you but I just can’t live. I can’t live waking up at midnight asking God for a miracle which never comes. I gave God an offer to help me with just one miracle and I will give our child to him like how in the Bible Samuel’s mother gave up her son to God to serve in the temple. Day came, the night went, the moon turned from a crescent to a full moon and even the sun became tired of shining yet nothing changed. I know I should have told you but I couldn’t, I didn’t, I knew I could do it on my own. Now I have failed so I am writing this suicide note hoping that I’d save my life from perpetual having to remember my failure. I know you will miss me, so will I.
Mark.
