“Yes, thirty minutes one hour! Thirty minutes one hour! Thirty minutes one hour.” The first day I heard this ridiculous voice I was going to look for a friend. The road was a busy one and more often than not, you would meet a pastor who claims to be preaching but is actually begging. I had heard all sort of ridiculous preaching on that stretch of the road; most of them by the way are about how God loves a cheerful giver and about how the more you give the more you get rich. I think it was these sort of preaching that switched off my emotional plug. Who wouldn’t if that person was in my shoes? Every early morning, a pastor – a fair and handsome one – will mount loud speakers on the road and preach that same message like everyone else – God loves a cheerful giver. In the afternoon, another one will come, a darker and short pastor who has a coarser and irritating voice. The one who comes in the evening is older and a much experienced beggar. He knew all the right Bible quotations about money.
That day, “Thirty minutes one hour” sounded rather strange or rather new. I had never heard that voice before. “It must be a new pastor” I muttered under my breath and decided to pass by like as usual. This one sat on a motorbike and was hitting the bike with something; from afar I did not know what it was and I was not interested in it by the way. “They are all nothing but fraud.”
As I got nearer it became apparent what it was – it was a phallus – and the “thirty minutes one hour” screaming all made sense. He was selling aphrodisiacs – wow, that sounded very new. After crossing the road, something told me to go back just to have a lot at his face. So I did. When I was passing, he caught my hands and whispered to me “Thirty minutes one hour.” I yanked my hand from his hands and walked to my friend’s house.
It only made sense for him to sell “thirty minutes one hour” along that side of the road. The road had lots of uses– in the morning, it was the road on which people took to work, in the afternoon, it was a road on which most of the sumptuous foods were sold, in the evening it doubled as the road on which people passed to their homes or to go to a certain recreational facility nearby. At night, it was a road where prostitutes paraded looking for people to “use” them. I remember once, I was going to buy mobile phone credit when I saw this attractive lady, I winked at her and she followed me; I thought she needed help so I slowed my steps. She neared me and asked me “W)nya w) b3 di?” I looked at her strangely, wondering what the nonsense she meant by that. There and then, I saw her hands unzipping my trousers and she touching something in my boxers. I spring to life and fled away from the devil. Perhaps, the “thirty minutes, one hour” man was there because of people who could not resist the temptations of these prostitutes.
I knocked on my friend’s door and he opened me. He behaved rather strange; he looked he was in a hurry to go somewhere or in a hurry to wait for someone. He was sweating more than necessary.
“Are you going somewhere or are you waiting for someone?” I asked.
“No. Yes I don’t know. I can’t tell.” He replied.
“Which is which?” I looked at him weirdly. I noticed he had a boner so I laughed and told him I was going home. But he told me to stay and help him with something.
“Can I get a number of one of your girls?”
“Errrrmmm, I don’t know what you mean by that.” I replied trying to reach the door.
“Please I need this help and I promise to give you Ghc500.00 right now?”
“As you are standing here, do you have Ghc500.00? You are always broke so please stop trying to fool me.” I laughed hysterically.
“You don’t understand it, I took an aphrodisiac and I need to vent my sexual diarrhoea on someone right now or else I am going to die.”
“Did you buy it from the man who shouting “thirty minutes, one hour?” I asked.
“Yes yes yes. That man. He convinced me to buy it and now I am doomed.” He sat down to weep on the floor.
“You know there are prostitutes near here right?”
“Bro, please can you get one for me. I go give you money. I go settle you bro. My body barb me ruff.”
“You must be crazy right? Aren’t you afraid of AIDS or STDs. These girls are so condemn, why would you risk your life like that? You are one of the most intelligent guy I know and you allowed yourself to be deceived by a fraudster!” I screamed.
He sat on the floor, holding his boxers and weeping. He took Ghc50.00 out of his pocket and gave it to me.
“Get me a lady, buy me a condom and keep the rest.” I wanted to slap him there but I don’t know what restrained me.
“I don’t think this is a good idea.” He took the money from me, wore a shirt and pulled me along.
“Are you sacking me?”
“Of course not, I want you to escort me.” He replied placing his hands on his shorts.
“Thirty minutes, one hour. Thirty minutes, one hour.” We heard the man chanting again. We passed by without even looking at his face.
We saw one beautiful lady wearing a short dress. She looked like a prostitute so I told him to wink at her.
He didn’t waste time in winking at her. She neared him and said in a striking Nigerian accent, “Massa you go chop.”
“Yes yes yes.” He replied desperately.
“You get condom or you wan am raw.” She winked at us.
“Condom. Can you buy some from the drugstore?” He flew the Ghc50.00 at her.
Her face beamed with excitement. I could guess that she thought she had found a desperately rich man.
She went to the pharmacy just in front of us and within seconds she was back.
“I think I have to go home so you two can enjoy.” I turned back to go but he caught me before I could go.
“Please stay. After the sex we can work on the project.”
“Nonsense, we have a project to work on yet you went to take – “I stopped halfway. I didn’t want to say ‘thirty minutes, one hour’ least the prostitute gets scared and decide to rather wait for another customer. But they say a bird in hand is worth two in the bush right?
“Bro, make you no spoil my business for you. So you get project do so he should not chop? Abeg waka for road.”
She pulled my friend and they went. I turned to go but my friend shouted out for me. The project was a good project and it was going to be financially beneficial – today was the deadline and if I should leave him alone, maybe we would lose out so I just followed him. I just pinched myself to endure all the nonsense. I would after insult him the next second after we had submitted the project.
When we got to his house, he pushed the gate madly as if he was a thief. I closed the door gently and went to sit on the veranda as he and the girl got inside. I took my phone to check if I had got any email – I got one email it was from the bank. I deleted it and checked facebook.”
“Oh bros please be gently small.” I heard the girl complaining. I laughed so hard that I dropped the phone. I picked the battery, fixed it back inside and put the power back on. Lucky for me, the screen had not cracked.
“Oh bros please take your money, I can’t do again.” She screamed again. I looked around wondering if the people in the surrounding houses had not heard it.
“I said I can’t take it.” She was literally crying.
“Oh please just one minute, please just one minute, I will double your money.” He said in almost a whisper.
“I said take your money, I can’t.” I heard them struggling inside. I wanted to go inside but I didn’t want to see their nudity.
The door knob began to open but it seems it was locked from inside so it wasn’t opening.
“Please, please, fifteen seconds, just fifteen seconds. I will give you Ghc300.00 I swear.” My friend pleaded.
“I said I can’t take it, I can’t.” The door was shaking. For some reason I thought it was going to break. I heard him thrusting her and she was crying.
Suddenly the door opened and she run out of the house naked! I wasn’t given time to get surprised, my friend followed her and if I was to describe the thing in between his thigh in three words I would have said “FREAK OF NATION.” As the girl was running from a monster of something, I was running too. I don’t know what I was running from but I didn’t want to go through another ordeal of going to look for another prostitute for him again.
I took another route to my house in order to avoid seeing him. I had seen enough for a lifetime and I had done enough. I run and never looked back. The next day he called me and apologised. He told me that he had done the project alone and had sent it to the email of the evaluators. I just didn’t care if we got through the selection stage or not. Whenever I see him I remember the funny episode and laugh out. He later told that because of his ‘big problem’ he can’t keep a stable relationship.
So I asked him why then he bought ‘thirty minutes, one hour’ when he knew no one could stand him during sex. He will always shrug “I don’t know. You know those kind of things you really want to try not because you want to do it but because you just want to try.”
“Did you wear the condom?” I asked. “No I didn’t.” he replied.
“I think you should go and get tested for AIDS.” I suggested.
“I didn’t really really penetrate.” He smiled. I looked at him and breathed harder and harder. This friend of mine could not be serious. Was he?
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